[cheerful music]
["Boum" by Charles Trenet playing]
[dog moans]
[Amy] My name is Amy.
And yes, at college, I blew my dog.
I don't know why,
maybe it was just out of boredom
or just as some kind of dumb experiment.
Like when you know something is burning hot but you touch it anyways,
and you're surprised when you get burned.
Ugh.
I'm not into bestiality in any way.
No, no, no.
It was just something completely stupid.
Immediately, I was full of guilt but,
at the same time, as disgusting as it was,
another part of me kind of thought it was funny.
I could never tell anyone. Anyone!
Not friends, although it would be a hell of an icebreaker at a cocktail party.
Anyone here besides me know what canine semen tastes like?
And I certainly couldn't tell any boyfriend.
Men are insecure enough about their penises.
There's no need to bring the whole animal kingdom into it.
As the years went by, when it popped into my mind,
it was, like it was something that happened to someone else.
Like a movie I had watched, not starred in.
I never had to tell any boyfriends because I was never that serious
about any of my lovers, that I felt the need to be totally honest.
Until now.
Until John.
And that is why my life was turning to shit.
[John] Penny for your thoughts.
Where did you go?
Sorry.
What were you thinking about?
Nothing.
You were thinking about something.
-A friend. -Friend?
Friend means a guy. Is there a boyfriend you haven't told me about?
No, just a...
-companion. -Ahh.
Do you love me?
-More than anything. -How much?
I love you more than anything in the whole wide world.
Good.
Why? What's this about?
Nothing.
All right.
You all finished, Steve?
Ah, right.
So, would you please?
Oh, my God. You are such a baby. He's not even my dog.
Ugh. I'm gonna need another bag.
You sure your dog did this and not some hobo?
Yeah, a hobo's would smell better.
Ugh! You're gonna pay for this.
I am not carrying it.
Whatever happened to your dog?
I gave him away.
Why?
He got too big.
Oh.
Hey.
So... my first byline.
I'm so proud. Where is it?
Now it's a short piece, so...
It's a start.
It's a great start.
Yes.
-Yes! -Yeah?
Mm-hmm.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
You gotta read the fine print first.
[soft music]
Here.
It fits.
You have a nice penis.
[John] Thank you.
And you're my best friend.
You're my best friend.
I feel like I could tell you anything.
Me too.
When I was a boy, and I first played with myself,
first time I came, I thought I broke my bits.
How old were you?
I was 20.
[both laughing]
-Nine. -Twenty-nine.
No! Nine!
Tell me a secret.
Tell me the weirdest thing you've ever done.
Something that you wouldn't tell anybody.
I don't like this game.
What?
Oh, come on, we're gonna be getting married soon,
we shouldn't have any secrets.
You know what? Now this is really gonna drive me nuts.
Amy, I love everything that made you you.
You don't have to be ashamed.
Are you sure?
Yes.
OK.
Well...
one time...
when I was at college...
I...
You what?
Yeah?
I slept with my girlfriend Linda.
"Slept" slept?
'Cause I slept with my brother, Brad, till I was five.
No!
Sex.
Really?
And how did that happen?
Well...
we were out late drinking one night...
and...
one thing led to another...
[Amy] I had never had sex with Linda or any other woman.
The idea of sex without a penis is like
a sandwich without the meat.
Felt a little bad lying to him but...
on the upside, John liked it,
and I got fucked good because of it.
Hey! How's the gorgeous dame business been treating you?
Hm, not too bad.
Mind if I join you?
Have a seat.
Thank you.
Hey, uh, what do you like most about teaching?
Hmm, I would have to say the microwave food.
-Ah-hah. -You?
I would have to say
pretending that you like all the kids the same
when some of them are real assholes.
And the microwave food.
Oh, yeah. And the microwave food.
How's John?
Great.
-Good. -Whoa, what's wrong?
What's wrong? Is he cheating?
-No! -No, 'cause if he was,
I'd have to give him the, you know...
sleepin' pill.
How important do you think it is to be totally honest in a relationship?
If you want the relationship to last, nothing but the truth.
Even if it's gonna hurt the other person?
I don't know, I think honesty is overrated.
Look, I love Beth, OK? But the first time that we got together,
she wanted me to suck her toes.
Now, I wasn't gonna do that, so she got all hurt.
Why not? Men put their faces in worse places.
Oh, but her feet stink really bad.
I mean, she's super clean,
but her feet, they stink way worse than any dude's.
I mean, the first time she took off her shoes, I almost passed out.
It smelled like she had been making shit wine.
You didn't tell her that?
Oh, hell, yeah.
-How did she take it? -Bad.
But, you know, now she knows that the reason
I don't suck her toes isn't because I don't love her,
it's because her feet stink really bad.
Do you suck her toes now?
Uhh, no.
If you want the relationship to last,
you gotta be brutally honest.
[school bell ringing]
-[Amy] Thank you so much. -[Linda] Oh, you're welcome.
-I really appreciate it. -Have a great time.
-I will. -Call me when you get back?
-I will. Hey! -Hey!
Linda's letting me borrow her bag for our trip.
-Oh, cool. You leaving? -Yeah.
-OK -Bye.
OK.
-OK. -Bye.
See ya. Say hi to your mom for me.
[Amy] I will. Bye.
OK, let's hit the road.
Oh, Steve, go away, you're gross.
-What's wrong? -Do we have to take your dog?
Couldn't find anyone to watch him.
Why? Is something bothering you?
No, nothing's bothering me. Steve!
Calm down, Steve. Find your own bitch.
I need to smoke.
So smoke.
I can't smoke. My parents don't know I smoke.
I'm not driving five hours with you in a car without you smoking.
You blame me, tell them I smoke.
They're not gonna be too thrilled that you smoke either.
[soft music]
[John] Baby, how can you not know
where your parents' house is? I mean, come on.
I never spent much time driving to it, only away from it.
-Hey, you getting cold feet? -No!
'Cause it feels like you're mad at me.
No! I-- I love you.
Well, what's the problem then?
Nothing, I just...
I just get nervous around my parents, you know?
My mom is really sweet, my dad is really smart, they just--
They think I'm perfect.
[John] I'm the one that's supposed to be nervous.
You know before my dad taught high school,
wanted to be a writer, too.
You told him I wrote?
I told him you worked for a paper.
[scoffs] Honey, I don't work for a paper,
I deliver a newspaper.
It's not even a newspaper, it's a weekly.
-You're trying to write. -A free weekly.
That's great. He's gonna think I'm a bum.
No, they're gonna love you. They have to love you.
They're my parents.
Besides, they reserve their strongest criticisms for me.
[John] I'm so fucking nervous.
[Amy] Oh, yeah, that's another thing.
My mom is really religious,
so we don't swear in front of her.
By we, I mean you.
We don't swear or smoke, are you sure these are your parents?
Yes.
Shoulda hired a Sherpa.
[chuckles]
One second. All right.
You ready?
No.
Kiss me.
[doorbell rings]
Oh! Diamond girl!
-Hi, Mom! -Oh!
Hi, Daddy.
You must be John.
Hello, sir.
I give hugs, John.
Oh!
[sniffs]
Oh, that's me, I smoke.
No. I smell feces.
Oh, fuck!
Sorry, I didn't mean to say it. I'll get you a new pot.
The dog was in the car way too long.
Let's go inside.
Yeah!
[Mom] We were about to give up on you.
You get lost? I told you to get the directions from the Web.
I thought I'd remember. Sorry.
That's our Dizzy.
Honey, don't bite your lip.
Who is this offending beast?
[Amy] Oh, John's dog.
We didn't want to leave him at home. He's very sweet.
His name is Steve.
Steve. Hi, Steve.
Hey, where do you guys keep your paper towels?
I'm gonna clean up that mess outside.
Yeah, I'll give you a hand.
Oh, let me look at you.
Ooh. You look so pretty! Are you eating?
Yes, Mom.
I'm really sorry about this. You must think I'm an idiot.
Oh, I'm not upset about the plant or the dog mess.
But, John, while you're staying here,
I am gonna have to ask you to watch the potty mouth.
I'm no shrinking violet, I like to curse myself.
But at the stag night, and the whatnot.
Not around Amy's mother, swearing upsets her.
Of course. Sir.
Amy's mother is very old-fashioned.
I'm the only man that she's ever slept with.
I'm not naive, John, I know that
you and Amy are probably having sex.
But I am gonna have to ask you while you're a guest here...
to sleep in separate rooms.
Out of respect for her mother.
Yeah, of course, I-- I wouldn't have it any other way, sir.
And thanks for having us.
Oh, not at all. I'm glad to have you.
Oh, you missed some shit there.
[indistinct chatter over TV]
[Dad] Douglas, say hello to your sister
and her boyfriend, John.
-[Amy] Hey, bro. -Hi.
John.
How you doing?
Dougie has been living with us.
When was the last time you were you here?
Christmas.
He's been here for eight months.
He lost his job.
I didn't lose it, the spicks and the niggers
with the government quotas took it.
Dougie! Don't upset your mother!
Come sit down. I made dinner.
He's not really a racist. He just lost his girlfriend too.
Of course.
Diamond girl tells us you're a writer.
Yeah, I work for a paper.
Which one?
It's The Free Press.
[Douglas] Is that one of those liberal weeklies
that's full of feminist propaganda,
that makes its revenue with titty bar ads?
Yes.
Douglas, are you trying to give your mother a nervous breakdown?
Yes!
-[Amy] Oh! -What?
John's a vegetarian. He doesn't eat meat.
Oh.
Do you want me to make you some chicken?
He doesn't eat meat.
This looks great. I'll have some of this.
So, uh, why do you call her "diamond girl"?
'Cause she was our flawless little girl.
Still is.
I think she's flawless too.
Let me show you her scholastic ribbons.
She was spelling bee champ three years in a row.
You never told me that.
And valedictorian of her graduating class.
[John] Really?
Oh!
Don't forget to mention all the cookies
she sold as a Girl Scout.
I'm going to bed.
Good night.
Good night, Doug.
Mother, get down her soccer trophies
and the prom scene photos--
-No, Dad, don't. -No, no.
This will be good, I wanna see them.
Oh, my God, look how big my hair is! I look like Sheila E.
Oh, you were the prettiest girl there.
I had no idea you won so many awards.
Oh, that's just because she's modest.
Well, this has been fun,
but maybe we should all turn in.
-Yeah. -That's a good idea.
-Thank you. -Mom, I'll help you clear.
Oh, I won't say no to an extra pair of hands.
Me neither.
Didn't you hear? We don't have sex under this roof.
Mm-hmm. We can try.
Don't drop them, Dizzy.
I won't, Daddy.
-Good night. -Good night.
-What are you wearing? -I know, right?
I feel like I should be wearing a nightcap
carrying a candle, making this face.
I told you about all that stuff. Why'd you pretend like you didn't know any of it?
It was fun watching your parents be so proud of you.
Sometimes it's embarrassing.
So where are you sleeping?
I'm in your brother's room.
Mm.
I have blue balls.
Is it my sexy nightgown?
Tents make me horny.
Nighty-night.
[firmly] Nighty-night.
-Nighty-night. -Nighty-night.
[soft music]
[thuds]
Meth?
Do you want some?
I'm good.
You don't party?
Yeah, I party, just not meth.
Hm.
Don't say anything to my family.
OK?
[sighs]
You know, I was the perfect one before she came around.
And then,
after that, I just couldn't do anything right.
I'm sure your parents love you both very much.
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
[sighs]
Say something.
What?
Say something.
Something.
[recorded voice] Something.
Something.
Something. Something.
[faster] Something. Something. Something. Something.
Tump. Tump. Tump...
I got this thing at a garage sale.
It's so sweet.
Five bucks. They didn't even know what they had.
[distorted voice] Something.
I just have to learn how to use it.
And teach myself how to play.
And then, I was thinkin',
I could, like... lay down some tracks and--
[distorted voice] Something. Something.
You know, I could be like a... like a...
um, recording star.
[distorted voice] Something. Something.
[keyboard notes]
[mimics keyboard notes] Hello, hello, hello, hello.
There is no limit to what this does.
[discordant noises on keyboard]
[Douglas] Ow.
[recording] Ow.
-Ow. -[recording] Ow.
[popping noise]
[popping]
[birds chirping]
[dog barking]
[music from screen]
Wake up.
Mom and I made breakfast.
Wake up, honey. Your sister and I made breakfast.
Go away.
Cheese and crackers, he's a grouch in the morning.
Well, don't take too long.
How'd you sleep?
Oh, just great.
Did you know your brother smokes meth?
-Are you serious? -Yes!
In this room. He offered me some.
Right before he sang into his piano all night.
What?
Don't ask.
He's got some chops, though.
That was delicious, ladies.
What's Daddy doing?
Oh, the neighbor's tree fell into our yard.
Why don't you go talk to him?
Not now, he's got an ax.
I tell my neighbor he needs to trim his trees, he ignores me.
That's all right. I got it.
Now, I'm gonna have to build a whole new fence.
Well, I guess good fences don't build good neighbors, huh?
Frost wasn't talking about my douche-bag neighbor when he wrote that.
He's going to ask Dad if you can marry him.
How did you know?
He has the same fear in his eyes
your father had when he asked Grandpa.
Actually, I have a confession to make.
-Yeah? -I'm not really a writer.
Oh?
I just deliver the Free Times.
I'm-- I'm trying to write. I submit my stuff all the time.
The Chinese have a saying.
Find a job that you love,
and you'll never have to work a day in your life.
You must love teaching.
I hate it.
I always have hated it.
Every second of it.
That's what I'm trying to tell you.
You're young.
Don't give up on this writing.
You don't have any responsibilities.
You'll have plenty of time to settle down later.
I haven't been honest with him.
About what?
I can't tell you.
Is it a sex thing?
Oh, honey, that's not a big deal.
We all have those kind of secrets.
Mother!
Well,
there were things I did before I met your father
that he doesn't know about.
Jesus.
My son is on drugs.
Pardon me?
I'd kick him out if I could, but his mother won't let me.
She sticks up for him.
I don't know what happened to that kid.
I wish--
I wish he were more like his sister.
She's never let me down.
Daddy always said he was the first person you ever slept with.
Technically, I wasn't lying.
My daughter is one of the few things
that brings me joy in my life.
I think the world of her.
I do, too, sir.
When I was a young girl, living in Memphis,
one night, my girlfriends and I were at an arcade when it was closing,
and this man came up to us and...
told us that...
Elvis would like us to stay.
You had sex with Elvis?
Are you going to let me tell my story?
Yes.
That's why I want to marry her.
We were invited back to Graceland,
and Elvis asked my friend and I
to... join him in the bedroom.
[whispering] And you had sex with him?
Well, yes and no.
What about the writing? Haven't you heard anything I've said to you?
He just played with himself and watched.
You wrestled another woman in your underwear while Elvis beat off?
And you didn't even get laid?
Look, if I was to die and never be published,
I could live with that.
But I couldn't live without marrying your daughter.
I had sex with Roy Orbison, too.
Roy Orbison!
Oh, no!
He was cute when he was young.
Oh, no, Mom, Roy Orbison was never cute.
You're right. He was never cute.
And you never told Daddy.
Mm-mm.
Sometimes I wish I had.
It bothers me a lot, but...
I was never able to work up the courage.
You know, John,
there are some men,
crueler men, perhaps,
would just let you hang in the wind for a while.
But I give you my blessing.
Thank you, sir.
What should I do?
Tell him.
Tell him whatever this thing is.
If he can't accept it, he's the wrong guy.
And don't carry it around half your life like I have.
I still feel dirty and... and guilty.
Especially when I hear "Pretty Woman."
Or when wrestling is on.
Look at them.
They have no idea, don't smile!
They have no idea what we're talking about.
It's killing them, huh?
Yeah.
Just look sad.
Look sad.
They don't look happy.
Just smile. Just keep smiling.
OK.
I hope everybody's hungry.
I am.
[doorbell rings]
Folks. Sister.
Hey, Randy.
Guy.
Hello, Randy.
Hi.
[Mom] This is John.
See ya.
Why don't you boys stay and eat?
It does look pretty tempting.
Yeah, sit down, join us.
[Mom] Dougie!
Eat.
So, what are you boys up to tonight?
Uh, gotta see a guy...
about a... thing.
Job-- jobby-- thing.
What?
Yeah, this dude... It's gonna be good. Right, buddy?
Oh, I see.
Let's eat.
[Randy] That was delicious.
Come on, let's go.
Oh, why don't you boys stay?
Yeah, stay. We could, uh... we could do a puzzle.
A puzzle? That'd be great.
Uhh...
Are you against fun?
OK, I think the first thing we need to do
is find all the edge pieces.
I wish these monkeys weren't all the same color.
You know what monkeys hate? Midgets.
-Really? -Yeah, it's like--
They see them as a threat and they'll try to kill them.
And midgets know it too, and midgets are scared to death of monkeys.
-Ha! -A friend of mine was working on a movie set
and they had a midget and a monkey.
And the midget flipped out, he was like, "Hell, no,
I'm not working with that thing."
[Randy] The monkey went, like... Not apeshit but--
-[Dad] Yeah. -You know what I mean.
See you, man.
Thanks for coming over, Randy.
Where's my rock?
Dude, I was trying to tell you before dinner. Nobody has any.
Sorry, man.
Hey, is your sister serious about that dude?
Seemed kinda like a cock.
Just one man's opinion.
[spraying]
[sniffs]
[soft knocking]
-What took you so long? -Where are we going?
Just come on.
[giggles]
Wow!
[Amy] This car's been in here since I was a kid.
Get in.
In the back.
OK.
What did my dad say?
That he loves you.
Yeah.
And that he hates teaching.
And I forget what else he said.
Tell me another story.
What kind of story?
You know, like, with you and your friend Linda.
Oh, that kind of story.
Yeah, that kind of story.
You tell me a story.
OK.
[chuckles] Here's something I lived with over the years.
When I was at camp,
me and about.... five other guys...
we played "shoot the cookie."
What's that?
Shoot the cookie.
It's where we all stand around and...
beat off on a cookie, and the last one to finish has to eat it.
Did you lose?
Oh, my God!
[John laughs]
Ugh! I can't believe I told you that.
No, no, it's OK.
God, why did I tell you that
after you still even haven't told me
your big dark secret?
OK.
[John] What? Come on, it can't be that gross.
Well...
[John] What?
Well, a long time ago, when I was at school,
and I was alone...
Yeah.
but I wasn't alone.
Who were you with?
Rufus.
Rufus?
Rufus, my dog.
And he was lying on his back...
and I was staring at his penis...
and...
I sucked him off! [laughs]
No.
You didn't just tell me that. No.
[laughing nervously] I was kidding, it never happened.
I was trying to make you laugh!
Oh, my God, well, you didn't.
I don't know why I did it. I never did it again.
I can't breathe.
I feel like I'm going to throw up.
You won't even let me touch you?
-You fuck dogs? -No!
No! It happened just once, and I never did it again!
And I didn't fuck him, I just sucked him off. It was just a dumb thing.
Oh.
Hold me.
Please hold me.
You forced me to tell you, and now you hate me.
No.
Hold me back, then.
Kiss me.
You can't even kiss me.
Yeah.
I wish I were dead.
[Douglas moans]
[spraying]
[inhales deeply]
[sobs]
Baby?
Baby, what's wrong?
John.
Did you have a fight?
Oh. Oh, there, there.
I'm sure it's not a big deal.
It is a big deal, Mom.
I told him, and now he hates me.
Oh, he doesn't hate you.
So you're not a virgin.
Big deal. I doubt he is either.
Do you want me to go talk to him?
No! No, please, don't do that. You'll just make it worse.
Well, it-- it might help.
No, really, please, promise me you won't.
All right.
John?
May I speak with you for a moment?
Privately.
I heard about your argument.
Are you high?
Upsetting my daughter like that?
I want you to say you're sorry to her.
Do you know how hard it was for her to tell you that?
Good morning, John.
Good morning.
Hi.
[whistling]
Well, good morning. You're up early.
Eggs?
Yeah, yeah, thanks, Mom.
Good morning.
That was fun last night, wasn't it?
What?
The puzzle.
Oh, yeah.
Mom, I like them sunny-side up.
Just eat them.
That's not how I like 'em.
Why do you have to be such a jerk?
Um, I know something about Amy.
Something dirty she did.
[Mom] Dougie, that's enough.
She's not the angel you guys make her out to be.
Be quiet.
[clears throat] Amy blew a dog.
What did you say?
That Amy sucked a dog's cock.
[screams]
[grunts]
[Dad] You pathetic piece of shit!
[Douglas shouting]
It's your fault for being soft on him.
No! No!
[Amy] Stop them!
[Dougie] You think I'm fucked up? Amy's a fucked up whore.
Daddy, stop it, he's not lying! It's true!
I did it. I...
I did what he said I did.
John and I are leaving.
I love you, Daddy.
Yeah.
This is the first time,
since the day you were born,
that I'm ashamed to be your mother.
["When You're Smiling" by Louis Prima playing]
-* When you're smiling -* When you're smiling
* The whole world smiles with you *
-* Smiles with you -* And when you're laughing
-* When you're laughing -* Oh, you're laughing
* Oh, you're laughing
* Mm, and the sun comes shining through *
* Shining through
-* When you're crying -* When you're crying
* You bring on the rain
-* Bring on the rain -* Stop your sighing
* Stop your sighing
-* Won't you be happy again? -* Happy again
-* When you're smiling -* When you're smiling
-* Keep on smiling -* Keep on smiling
* And the whole world smiles with you *
I really wish you hadn't told me.
A dog.
You ate a cookie covered with sperm!
Yeah! Human sperm!
Mom!
Oh, what? Now you care who knows?
You forced me to tell you!
Yeah, not about blowing a dog! What the fuck is wrong with you?
Did you get high with my brother?
No!
How dare you.
["When You're Smiling" continues]
Hey, buddy, what's wrong?
You wanna talk?
OK, then I'll talk.
Do you know that I know
the ancient art of origami?
That was a student's test paper.
That's OK, I know this kid, he wasn't gonna pass.
All right, now this is the most important part.
Close your eyes. Keep 'em closed.
Voilà.
A flower.
Or... or a duck.
Everyone I love hates me.
Nobody could hate you.
John and my family do.
They think I'm disgusting.
I did a terrible thing.
Well, this... this terrible thing,
did you mean to hurt anyone on purpose?
No.
Well, it sounds to me like you just made a mistake.
This was pretty disgusting.
Look, you're being too hard on yourself.
You're the sweetest person I know, even if you are just human.
In fact, that's the part I like the best.
You're gross. Yeah, I was fucking Steve.
I didn't say anything.
I can't do this anymore.
So you wanna break up?
No.
Do you?
No.
I just wish you never told me.
I wish I never told you too.
I wish it never happened!
It was just some dumb, stupid thing
I did when I was 18, and now, no one wants to be with me!
I'm sorry.
[sobbing]
Can I sleep in the bed tonight?
Huh?
Sleep?
I missed us.
I missed us, too.
What's wrong?
Nothing.
You're not hard.
I will be. Just shut up and kiss me.
Yeah, you can't get hard.
I will be. Just stop talking.
[chuckles]
[moaning]
-I'm gonna get some more. -Mm-hmm.
Oh, no!
All right, hold that thought. I'll be right back.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh .
-Cheers. -Cheers.
I have a confession to make.
You're a dude?
No.
I don't like women.
Yeah, I agree, I think most of them are pains in the asses.
No.
I don't... like women.
I think vaginas are disgusting.
My friend Linda?
Yeah?
No.
You lost me.
I never had sex with her.
Really?
Are you bummed?
No, I'm not bummed.
But why would you tell me that you did?
I thought you wanted to hear it.
Are you mad at me?
No, no.
What can I do to make it up to you?
Something dirty.
What?
I wanna see you do it.
You know, with Steve.
[scoffs] You're gross.
Why?
You're not kidding.
Baby, you did it before. I'm not gonna tell anyone.
I fucking hate you.
What, now you have morals?
Now there's a line that you can't cross?
I made a mistake once, and you can't forgive me!
I just wanted to see it for myself.
I made a mistake with you.
yeah, well, I made a mistake with you, you dog blowin' cunt.
Sorry about what I said last night.
Me too.
You didn't say anything wrong.
Yeah, I know. I'm sorry about what you said.
Actually, you know what? I take that back.
I'm glad to know what you think of me.
I just can't get it out of my head, you know?
I can't live like this.
-I'm leaving. -Amy, please--
Don't! Don't do that!
You know what?
Do whatever you want. I can't take it anymore
[phone beeps]
[phone rings]
Hello?
Hi, Daddy.
It's Amy. How are you?
Fine.
Who is it?
It's Amy.
How was your trip back home?
We made it back fine.
Listen, I'm really sorry about how things--
Please, don't.
I don't really want to talk about this.
I just wanted to say that I'm--
I don't want to discuss what you're gonna say.
OK.
I'm sorry.
I won't bring it up again.
Can I talk to Mom?
She's not here right now. She's out.
Out?
Oh...
Well...
give her my love.
I love you, Daddy.
Yeah, me too.
[phone beeps]
Fuck him.
You know, you can do so much better than him. You know that.
That last time I saw him, he got letchy
and weird and, like, hugged me too long.
He did?
Yeah. I didn't wanna say anything then but
he's disgusting, you can't go back to him.
Men suck.
Yeah.
Hey, guys?
Hi.
We're not including you as a man, baby.
Nice save.
Look, you can stay here as long as you need to.
Thanks, you guys.
Do you need his ass kicked?
Because, um... Linda's super strong.
I love you, faggot.
[man] I fuckin' love you too, twat.
[moaning]
[Linda] Oh, yeah.
-Oh, God, oh, yeah. -[man] OK.
Oh, yeah, it's in.
-[Linda] Oh, give it to me. -[man] Oh, right there.
-[Linda] Oh, baby. -[man] Keep moving like that.
Oh, my God. Oh, squeeze my balls.
Oh, yeah. Slow down. Slow down.
Oh, my God. You like it in that hole?
Yeah, that's a good hole.
Oh, my gosh. Oh, I got a mommy now.
Oh, now I have a mommy.
"Mm, mm, mm." And he's, like, "Uh, uh."
It's so weird, it's like listening to ghosts fucking.
I'm sleeping on an inflatable mattress,
it's like sleeping on a life raft.
I've gotta get my own place.
Well, I'll help you look, you know, let me go with you.
Beth wouldn't mind?
Well, she's been working late, you know,
I haven't seen her in weeks.
You're a pal.
[man] Where are we?
That's it! Perfect.
[man] OK, I'll stop.
[Amy laughing] No!
[man] Are you sure you don't want me to stop?
I mean, you know you could live out your days as a crack whore.
[chuckles] Yeah, that'd be nice for me.
There you go, there's a cute place.
I don't know, doesn't look like it gets morning sun.
Morning sun? What is that? Like your Indian name?
[laughter]
I like it.
No, really?
Yeah, really.
[phone dialing]
[phone rings]
Hello?
[Amy] Mom?
Hello.
What's wrong?
Your brother is in jail.
Oh, my God. Why?
Robbery. He didn't do it.
Someone else used his car.
We thought you were the lawyer.
I-- I have to get off the phone.
I understand.
[phone rings]
-Hello? -[man] Hey, um...
It's me, Ed. I'm sorry to be calling so late.
No, no problem. What's wrong?
I think Beth's having an affair.
Why do you think that?
Well, she's been working late,
and she works with this guy Charlie and um...
So I thought I would surprise her with dinner,
so I walked into her office
and she was on her desk fucking Charlie.
That might be an affair.
Look, I-- I'm sorry. Am I buggin' you with this?
No! No, no, no, Why don't you come over?
I couldn't, I--
[Amy] Oh, please, it's the least I could do.
Just come on over. I'll see you in a little while.
All I've got is wine and a loaf of bread.
Have you been entertaining Christ?
That's it. I'm done with women. They're evil.
I'd be gay if it wasn't for the sex thing.
I don't get it, why can't people be committed?
I mean, I've been attracted to other women, but I never acted on it.
Ed, commitment is a reaction,
not a decision.
Are you sure you're only 26?
What's the youngest women you've ever had sex with?
Oh...
Sixteen.
Wow.
Ah, it's not that impressive. I was only 16 too.
I'm such a loser.
No, you're not.
I think you're great.
-Ed. -Yeah, I'm too old for you.
-No, no. -Too soon?
-You're on my hair! -Oh!
-Ow! OK. -Sorry.
Um...
um...
Um, don't.
Why not?
I'm fat.
Says who?
Beth.
Beth's a jerk.
I think you're hot.
School.
Oh, my God!
We cannot act like weirdos at work.
No, no, we gotta be totally cool about this.
[moaning]
Ow!
Door-- No, no. I got it. Doorknob in my ass.
I'm really happy to see you.
Hey, John, it's me.
And I'm gonna come by this weekend
and pick up my couch and stuff, OK?
All right. Bye.
-Not there. -Or not picking up.
So, uh, what was that disgusting thing
that you told me that everyone was so upset about?
All right, forget it. I never brought it up, OK?
Wow.
Hey, thanks for coming with me to pick up this stuff.
Of course.
It's not like you can carry the couch on your own.
Is he gonna be there?
Yeah.
But don't worry.
He's a pussy.
Look, um...
I'm sorry about last night, OK?
Me too.
Hi.
Come on in.
How's it going?
Good.
-[Amy] Ed. -Sure!
-What's he doing here? -He's just a friend.
What are you, fucking him for his Medicaid?
Yeah, good one.
At least I'm fucking someone.
So, uh, this couch?
Take it.
Uh... little help?
-Right. -Thanks, pal.
Ow, fuck.
Sorry.
OK.
Oh, my God.
OK. All right.
What do you think? I think I liked it better over there.
Dude, I think one of my balls just rolled out of my pant leg.
Look, it looks great here.
-Are you sure? -I'm positive.
Let's see if it works.
-Ow! -I'm OK!
-That's got to have hurt. -I know. That's... Yeah.
Mm, mm, mm.
I gotta pee. I gotta pee. Hold on.
Be right back. I'll be right back.
[phone rings]
Hello, Dad?
Amy?
What's wrong?
Your mother...
she had an aneurysm.
Oh, my God. Is she OK?
No.
She's not.
Oh, my God!
OK... I will.
No, no, no!
[Ed] You OK in there?
[sobbing] Yes, I'm fine.
[Ed] Look, uh, let me drive you.
You don't understand, my family is weird.
Whose isn't, huh?
Look, babe, you're in no shape to drive.
Who's this?
This is my friend, Ed, Daddy.
Hi, Ed.
Sir.
What happened to John?
We broke up.
Oh, of course.
Well, come on in.
We had just started dinner when it happened.
I can't put the food away.
You don't have to, Daddy.
Your brother still doesn't know. I'm not speaking to him.
He really shouldn't hear it from a stranger though.
I'll tell him.
Look, uh,
I'm gonna... I'm gonna get a hotel room.
You guys should really be alone.
Look, you tell your dad I said goodbye.
All right, then you call me if you need anything, OK? Please?
I will. Thanks.
All right.
Hey! Hey, morning.
No, you are not coming with me to prison to see my brother.
Oh, no, no, that is the last place you should go alone.
Oh, God, you're borderline stalking. This is my family.
Look, I don't think you know how... nuts I am about you.
All right? None of this bothers me.
My brother's crazy.
You should meet my family.
Nuts.
Who's this guy?
This is my friend, Ed.
Nice to meet you.
So, nice outfit, huh? What do you think?
Dougie, I have some terrible news.
What?
Mom died.
Um...
From what?
A brain aneurysm.
[clears throat] What causes that?
Sometimes it just happens, sometimes it just...
Sometimes what?
Stress.
[sobbing] You and dad blame me, huh?
You do.
Mom died because she couldn't handle hearing
that her perfect little daughter was a fucked-up whore.
Don't start.
Oh, oh, I'm sorry, what, uh,
haven't you told your boyfriend about your big secret, huh?
-Fuck you! -Yeah, fuck you too, OK?
At least I didn't kill Mom!
[barking]
Look, Amy, you can tell me anything. OK?
Look, I-- I want to know what happened.
I don't care what it was.
Just tell me, OK? We need to be totally honest with each other.
No, we don't! I want you to go home, Ed!
You're not my boyfriend.
[engine starts]
[doorbell rings]
Hey, Randy.
Hey, Amy.
Sorry about your mom.
Thank you, Randy.
And, uh...
sorry about that other thing too.
Yeah, I mean, your brother told me. Yeah.
I guess he wasn't supposed to.
Or I wasn't supposed to tell you that I knew, but...
Anyway, I know, and sorry about both.
I mean, you know, I'm sorry, but forget--
It's fine. Thanks.
I kissed a dead body once.
Oh.
Yeah, I never told anybody that.
Oh, hey, my mom made this casserole
and wanted me to bring it over to you.
Oh, tell her thank you.
Bounced around in my truck a little but should be OK.
It smells like ass, but...
it probably doesn't taste like it.
You know what? You don't have to eat it if you don't want to.
You look really pretty when you're sad.
You too.
[indistinct chattering]
[indistinct praying]
I need you to love me, Daddy.
[Ed] Hi, this is Ed's cell, please leave a message.
[no audible dialogue]
Ed?
Hey.
We need to talk. How come you won't return my phone calls?
[sighs] I'm not an idiot. I was leaving you alone.
Come here.
Listen, I'm really sorry about how I acted the other day.
No. That's OK. Not like you were under any pressure or anything.
Look, I'm sorry too. I... I was moving way too fast.
How about dinner?
I'm sorry, I thought you heard.
Beth and I are together again.
Oh. [laughs]
-That's great. -Yeah.
Yeah.
Are you happy?
Yeah, yeah, we're in therapy.
It's working. You know, we're getting a lot off our chests.
I'm really happy for you.
Thank you.
[Dad] Anybody home?
I know you smoke.
You've been smoking since you were 13.
Why didn't you say something?
I didn't want you to know I knew.
Oh.
You want anything?
Water.
You ever hear from that Ed?
No.
He seemed like a nice guy.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Have a seat.
Your mother wrote you a letter.
She wrote it before your brother went to jail.
I never got around to sending it.
[Mom] Dear Amy,
I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am
for the way I have treated you.
I'm not going to say I forgive you...
because you did nothing wrong.
We all do dumb things in our youth.
As you know. And I hope you can forgive me.
I have never stopped being proud of you.
You will always be my diamond girl.
I love you.
Mom.
I want you to have this.
Daddy, I can't.
You're my diamond girl too.
I know your mother had a secret.
Did your mother tell you that she had sex with someone else other than me?
-You're crazy, Dad. -I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Mom was the original virgin.
I know, I know... Sometimes my mind...
You're right, I... I am crazy.
Here.
[Amy] Oh...
[chuckling]
I don't know why she kept all that.
I don't know what that's doing there.
It's a ticket stub from a Roy Orbison concert.
I don't know either.
God, I loved Roy Orbison.
Mom did too.
What are you doing here?
We need to talk.
I don't know if that's such a good idea.
Please.
All right, just...
Hey, Beth, I'm taking Cowboy for a walk.
Come on, Cowboy, come on.
All right. Come on.
So, what's the emergency?
Look, I know you're trying to work things out with Beth,
and I want to be respectful of that, but...
I love you, Ed.
Things aren't really working out so well with Beth.
I want to be with you.
I'm afraid of you.
Why can't you just tell me what happened?
I can't!
I better head back.
Look, if I tell you what I did,
you'll think I'm disgusting, and you won't love me anymore.
-I'm disgusting. -No, you're not. You're perfect.
I love porn, OK? I-- I-- I've got tons of porn.
I-- I-- I beat off to it for hours at a time.
It's much worse than that.
I know what happened.
You do?
You had an abortion.
Yes.
That's why you were gonna marry John, because of the baby and...
things weren't working out, so you had an abortion and
your parents found out, and they got mad at you.
Do you still love me?
For being honest?
I love you even more.
Do you really watch that much porn?
Why?
I think porn is kinda gross.
-Really? -Mm-hmm.
No, I was just telling you that to make you feel better.
["You Got It" by Roy Orbison playing]
Oh.
* Every time I look into your loving eyes *
[Amy] Ed and I are engaged now.
* I feel love that money
* Just can't buy
I felt bad that he got so tore up over my fictitious aborted baby.
And I felt bad about lying to him.
But whenever I would feel the need to tell him the real truth...
I would think of the image of my mother wrestling another woman
in her bra and panties for Elvis' sexual gratification.
Or her being banged by Roy Orbison.
Think how disturbing that was for me to picture.
And how much worse it would be for my dad to know the truth.
* Anything at all
* You got it, baby
It's important to lie.
It's trying to live up to the lies that we tell about ourselves
that makes us better people.
* You got it, baby
Did you ever have a dog growin' up?
No, just cats.
-* Anything at all -* You got it
* Baby
* You got it
["Boum" by Charles Trenet playing]